when you pull your trigger, someone will definitely die

how much fierce you want me to be
do you want me to change my nature?
do you want me to be something i am not?
do you want me to be that unhappy?

if you want me to be all out fiery and all
you should know
it is not because i want to pleased you
it simply because i hate you

and you know what people do when they hate something?

they would walk away.

Suicidal

Depression and Mental illness is no joke. It is not necessarily for you to look like a retard or a psycho, you may be totally look fine, happy and normal but only you know that you are fooling yourself.

First time I had a suicidal intention when i was 14yrs old. That phase continue on and off until i graduated from my law school. Only few people knew about it back then, how i found peace in self-harm. But none knew i only recovered quite recently, the time i have you both my miracle babies.

To confidently says there will be no more dark episode in my life, i dare not to say. I hope that i have close that chapter for good.

See, my point is this. People come from all side of life, and you will never know their back story. Everyone is fighting their own demons. Just because they are breathing, doesn't mean that they are living.

Depression is real.

Suicidal is real.

Get help.

some people have to work their ass off to be noticed
others can thanks to their ancestor for the benefit of today

this is an animal kingdom

where the fittest survive! 

kalau dah jodoh...

Kahwin - cerai. perkataan yang sangat simple. tapi punya isi yang penuh serat dan selirat.

kata orang, kahwin dengan orang yang sayang kau lebih daripada kau sayang dia.
kata orang, kahwin dengan orang yang punya kerja dan kewangan yang stabil.
kata orang, kahwin dengan orang yang beriman.
kata orang, kahwin dengan orang yang lemah lembut tulus sopan santunnya.
dan macam-macam lagi...

orang berkata, kita yang merasa.

truth is, there is no guarantee in life.

kau fikir, sijil perkahwinan tu ada warranty card ke? tak bagus, tak suka ada jaminan pulangan dalam masa setahun.

perkahwinan tu adalah commitment beyond death. suami dan isteri dua-dua kena mainkan peranan.

agama kita tak halang penceraian. tapi agama kita mengutuk sesiapa yang main-main dengan cerai.

raised in a divorced background, i know single parenthood is doable. totally tough but definitely doable. sebab tu jangan main-main.

bolts and nuts

i am in need to re evaluate everything.

beauty tips

these days, though i feel a bit insecure of my body fat. but i feel like i enjoy life more. i eat whatever i want but with an average size of plate so that i don't overdo myself. my exercise is house chores. jogging only once in a blue moon. i sleep early. yes baby, sleep is very important for your body and mind to rest. you'll get a radiant skin tone also from a good sleep. trust me. apply some oil face before you go to sleep and let it make magic while you are on dreamland. hydrate yourself often.

and most importantly, be happy.

how? do not overthink problems, let it come and go naturally. appreciate your surrounding. appreciate good food, nice smells, beautiful scenery, good melody and be around positive vibe. laugh more. make friends with stranger. make yourself feel good about your-self.

aku dulu dan aku sekarang, banyak sangat beza
terlalu beza

Allahu
peliharalah aku, hambamu yang sangat lemah ini...

slight trace of humanity

i never knew that i can become a news
traces of the past
really can go crazy

people.. i am now happy
a sinner like me

i won't ask much
i don't want to be greedy

i just want my family

Bila dah banyak sangat kalau...

Kengkadang bila fikir-fikir balik, Tuhan tu memang maha adil. Mungkin dia  bagi kau cantik kaya Dan bergaya.... Tapi sunyi di hati tak semua bisa meneka.

Mungkin dia bagi hidup kau penuh ceria dengan keluarga yang bahagia...tapi ditarik pula nikmat rupa paras Dan harta.

Kalau dia bagi semua, kau rasa kau masih reti bersyukur?

Atau kau mudah lupa?

Ketauhilah...bila mana Tuhan bagi cukup-cukup aje, sememangnya sebab dia sayang kan kau. Takyah kau nak jadi Hakim pulak atas APA yang dia kurnia.

Adalah tu sebab musababnya.

#belajarmoveon

cantik

Wah gittueww, ko tengok blog theme aku dah bertukar..
sempena misi aku nak cantik tahun ini..
cantik untuk suamilah.. baru dapat pahala.. ihiks!

sebab tadi terkedu sekejap..
"kalau niat nak kurus sebab nak pakai baju kecik, haram! karang Tuhan tarik balik nikmat kurus sikit tu, tak ke naye.."

ok, aku betulkan balik niat.

cantik luar dan dalam.. untuk suami dan keluarga yang sakinah mawaddah warohmah katanya.. 👪👪

Rindu

Rindu...
Rindu tu tak perlu lagu
dalam cakap sehari-harian pun boleh rindu
Rindu tu tak perlu jauh-jauh
dalam dekat-dekat pun boleh rindu
Rindu tu tak perlu sayang-sayang
dalam gaduh-gaduh pun boleh rindu

haiiiilaaaa

kalau dah rindu tu
yang tua boleh jadi muda belia
yang suka boleh jadi lara
yang bahagia boleh jadi porak peranda

rindu ni,
tak punya mata
tak punya jangka

apa pun boleh...

p/s: rindu masa kita muda-muda cerita pasal suatu hari nanti di hari tua... sekarang, kitalah orang tua yang cerita pasal zaman muda kita.. apa kata kita cipta cerita baru pula?

say it

there are many ways of saying "i love you"
one of it is, "i drop you off to work, like every single day".

😑😑😑

if it is that easy to be mis-interpret,
world war should be over by now.

we are all growing up.. not yet a grown ups

we bent and we broke
we hit and we run
we touch and we go
we smile and it faded
we laugh and we cry
we believe and we regret
we forgive and we (try to) forget
we trust and we hope it will last

we are all trying to be a better human being

so that we can smile with a blissful sound
so that we can look back and feel good of where we are now
no more regrets of the past

and appreciate what life offers

6 lesson learned in 2016

1. your best friend can turn into your worst enemy.
2. 21km marathon is doable.
3. you must know how and when to stop talking.
4. raising a baby son is much easier than a baby girl. maybe because i am more experienced?
5. if you sit too long, you will get sore ass.
6. cooking when no one is looking is very therapeutic. 

love note

i hate you! aaaaarghhh!!!!!!!

cari redha Allah Manisah... jangan harapkan redha manusia...

buat sesuatu kerana Allah, ingat, Manisah!

lalu?

malam tadi aku mimpi
hampir lemas aku dihanyut air yang deras
menerpa bak ombak tsunami
dan aku berpaut pada pagar nan rapuh
air di mana mana
air di mana mana
di mana mana?

aku di mana?

Of deficit and surplus

Of all the credit you have taken,
you owe more to her.

There is no reason can justify your action

whether you are alive or at peace

why do you kept hunting us with your decisions?

man of secret and lies

Setiap kali apa sahaja berkenaan lelaki itu timbul, seribu satu perasaan yang muncul dalam hati ni. Nak benci, nak marah, nak kesian,..... tapi tak pernah sekali pun nak sayang.

this is all caused by an irresponsible divorce.

after all, he is our father. bond by blood. janji Allah, ikatan tu sampailah ke akhirat. i hate liars, and the most natural liars i knew is the one blood which flows all over my body.

bukan setakat masa hidup, sampai lah ke akhir usia dia masih menafikan hak kami sebagai anak dia yang sah. apa hina sangat kami ni?

he's the reason i've never overcome my confidence and trust issue.

the reason of so many conflict of life choices.

and now, when i almost forgotten of your existence, your name reappear. and all those roller coaster of emotions starts again.

do i still want to be the revengeful daughter..
or a daughter of syariah compliant?

Berat

"Abg, Ayang timbang tadi berat dah cecah 60kg.."

"Takpelah. Bahagia kan?"

"YER..."

"KALAU GEMUK TAPI SUSAH HATI, tu baru masalah."

"errr...."

living #2

the war is over,
whatever we didn't find in the fire
we found it in the ashes

right, my friend?

Beautiful Tree

Rain Perry – Beautiful Tree

Bent or broken,
It's the family tree.
Bent or broken,
It's the family tree.
Each branch a part of a part of me.
This is my tree,
And it's a beautiful tree.

Dwarf or giant,
It's the family tree.
Dwarf or giant,
It's the family tree.
Growing just as tall as it was meant to be.
This is your tree,
And it's a beautiful tree.

What a beautiful tree.

Strong or fragile,
It's the family tree.
Strong or fragile,
It's the family tree.
See how the sun shines through the leaves.
This is our tree,
And it's a beautiful tree.
What a beautiful tree.

Sure, it's broken,
But It's the family tree.
Sure, it's broken,
But It's the family tree.
I can feel the sap running through me.
This is my tree,
And it's a beautiful tree.

living

Live free my love
have no regrets
regrets brings nothing but burden

letting go

i've received an invitation by government to buy my second house below market price
it's PRIMA house

under usual circumstances, there will be no valid reason for me to reject the offer

he even said to me, that i should have it.. in his words,

"kalau abang meninggal nanti, at least sayang boleh duduk situ"..

i looked at him.. too long that i didn't realise that he is looking back at me.

those words means a lot.

deep down, i knew he acknowledged that i wouldn't be living where we are living now if it wasn't for him

and he also know that i always think that i always think that could live on my own

but...
life would be no colour if there is no you, dear husband
to whom would i fight every morning
to whom would i miss because your lack of interest of sms-ing
or even talking to me..
to whom would i go for warmth in the middle of the night

don't say about dying
cause i'm not ready to let you go
cause i hate you a lot but i love you more that my mind can process

..

..

so, we let the house go
cause i can let it go
but i can't let you go
and definitely the idea of you 'going'

(and yes, money constraint too..errr)