those dimmed light

sometimes, when things getting messy and dirtier every moment i catch breath
i just go by my instinct

he asked me to put on my career cap
i wish i had

he said he will support me to the top
but mere words are not enough

my plates are full
my minds are empty

Dear you

I should know better. Hope is impossible.

used to

One client saw my wrist watch and ask me, are you a runner? I just smile and reply, i used to.

i used to be a lot of things.

used to.

ask me anything, but..

don't ask me
on how my money disappear
on how much i ate yesterday
on how i cannot raise my kids like yours.

walk the talk

pernah tengok ketam ajar anaknya jalan?

senget.


Ya Tuhan, kau jadikanlah aku pemimpin yang baik ke atas mereka-mereka yang di atas bahuku. 💬💂

dipinjamkan

Mungkin kau fikir saat Tuhan makbulkan doamu, adalah saat paling manis. Tapi ada kalanya, di saat Tuhan makbulkan doamu, Tuhan mulai mengujimu.

Dugaan paling hebat adalah tatkala doamu tersambut oleh Tuhanmu.

Redha kah kau?

Masih bersangka baik?

Qada' dan Qadar?

Semua manusia mahu bahagia. Tapi bahagia dunia, hanyalah sementara. Ganjaran yang sebenarnya adalah nun di sana... akhirat nanti di syurga. Bukan di dunia. Segala amalan di sini adalah cerminan hidup di sana.

socially awkward

for me, everytime i spend time with other people other than my nucleus family.. is a hardwork.
often, i'll end up physically and emotionally drained and tired
and i will need a lottttttttttt of alone time to heal and recuperate.

it's not that i hate people,
i just don't know how to deal with other people.

a classic introverts.

Nikmat

perasaan tak pernah puas itu bahaya
muhasabahlah
Tuhan beri kau seadanya..
selayaknya..
dan semampunya..
untuk kau.
"Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

 Surah Ar-Rahman, Ayat 13



p/s: ayat ini ditulis berulang-ulang sebanyak 31 kali di dalam surah tersebut. Masih kau mahu dustakan?

simple maths

you asked me how i manage to cook in the morning before going to work
i replied that i dont do much makeup on my face

you asked me how i manage to cook everyday in the morning before going to work
i replied that sometimes i do have my lazy days and i just drop in McDonalds for food

so, if i am lazy every single day
i do have to feed my family junk food every days

which is why i choose to cook most of the time

penumpang

adat menumpang.. bila ada apa-apa perkara yang terjadi, you will be the last one to know. bila ada perkara-perkara yang perlu dibincangkan, you are never invited to the round table. bila ada perkara-perkara tahi lagi menjijikkan, you are the first one to be blame.

adatlah.. kalau dah menumpang.

pejam mata, tutup telinga.

kalau tak, kau yang depresi.


p/s: i just want a place on my own. a place i can call MY HOME.

i am a person who knows what i want.. no matter how frequent i flinched, deep down i always know what i want.

i want an emerald diamond as my wedding ring.

so, i get one.💚💚💑

you are who you are

they say, you have a family, then bits and pieces of you will go away one by one... until eventually you won't recognize yourself anymore.

but i think, through the time, people change. all people change.

for better or worse.

we all change.

those days ahead

This week, i keep on wondering... sapa akan jaga aku when i'm too old and ugly.. when i am sick, and sickening everybody and on my deathbed.. who will have have the patience to take care of me?

at night, i look at my husband's face... will he stick by me... no matter what? i surely hope he did.. but at present, i have a feeling that he won't. i don't know why. maybe because he don't usually show his feeling, or maybe he just literally have no feeling. hmm.

my kids.. i don't think that they stay as well. Of course i will teach them to be good, nice, respect the elder thingy... but by the time i am too sick, and ugly and messy and they have other things to do and achieve in life, i don't think i am matters anymore. Or if they really wanted to but they have no time and opportunity to really takes care of me. like me and my mother... hmm.

i opt for a hospital.. or an old folks home.. or a private retirement home. tak susahkan sesiapa. 

things to remember

this might seems ancient.. but i will encourage all my kids to write a journal/blog/diary about themselves. for all i know, it is as good as a mirror. for all the good or bad.

self abused

Ever heard of it? i knew it long. i've even been there.

This movie describe it best...

p/s: i want to write further.. but have things to do. sorry!~

running with chores every morning

as much as i am irritated with you,
i still love you..
like a human-and-air relationship.
husband, why you are so selamba when it comes to torture me every morning!
grrrrr!!!!

when things getting quieter..

i think, on the bright side, i've started to venture out my friends list.

6.9.2013

i remember every tears that you wipe for me.. and every tears you fought so it won't show to anyone else..on that day.

you keep on telling yourself, that you won't lose me
like a mantra

and i steadily convince myself
i am forever the same

.

..

...

look at where we are now
staring on each other
missing one another
only from distance

cause both of us have an everest of ego
but no one have the guts to climb it

yet.

As lonely I am.. I still have my children to keep me company.. as pitiful I feel myself, I still have my husband to remind me of my existence.

Yet, I feel the emptiness when u are officially unfriend-ed me.

kualiti vs kuantiti

lepas dah buka mulut kat dilss, lega sikit senak hati aku.
lama peram sampai jadi nanah kat hati.
mulalah keluar benda-benda merepek.

satu aje...

kalau kau tak penting, aku takkan terasa macam ni sekali.

dan bila lihat dalam cermin,

kalau aku tak penting, kau takkan terasa macam tu sekali.

...

brain failure

percayalah anak-anakku

akan tiba satu tahap dalam hidupmu, yang "even age doesn't justify your brain". even at my 30's, i still have problems with my bestie. sorry my sayangs, i, myself is looking forward to past this phase and become the usual mother i am to both of you.

love you all.

when lips are sealed but never sold

since talking doesn't do me justice.. i prefer eating to keep my mouth full.

Post scklm

Yeayy.. I did it. This is especially for my kids. If u want it, u just gotta do it.

Well, after discharging negative ions that circulates in my body this past few days, I choose to love over hatred. Time to let go and be free.

True, if you speak about it openly i might not be this shocked. The fact that you are the person I go to for whatever reason.. it makes me really small in my tiny little world. I don't realize that you actually hate to hear me rambles on my life. I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not sure about taking off your future from you, because I see you a lot stronger these days and I am very proud of all your accomplishment even though our feelings might not mutual.

I still love you and appreciate that you have been there trough my toughest time. But I will let you go cause I want every good things in your life..even it mean to zipped my mouth for eternity.

I wish you all the best, you are the closest friend that I have and the only person that I can speak my mind. So sorry you hate me for it.

Lesson learned.

m'emo'

When do you send the memo?

Why do i missed it?

Am i helplessly ignorant?

Really really helplessly and hopelessly ignorant to that extend?

i take what is mine, i left which wasn't belong to me

I think you are referring to me
thank you
for your honesty

But if it wasn't me
it's ok
i am still taking it

life is colourful, right?
cause black and white is too dull.

and forgiveness
is the way to break yourself free.

between "if" and "why"

we all have battle on our own. those which people can know without telling them..or even those people know only after we speak about it. the battle varies.

between "if" and "why"... we often left hanging. the possibilities are endless. too many question are unanswered.

maybe those answer are never meant to be found. our visibility is limited.

we only have choices to make.

don't ask too much.

expect less. celebrate your being rather than curse for what you have been missing.

life is too short. be thankful.



**4 days to SCKLM... only time would tell. i have nothing to prove. i am just trying to enjoy the whole 'me' time finally.

Makan

Note to self.

Kalau marah...makan
Kalau sedih...makan
Kalau risau...makan
Kalau hepi...kemas rumah

Dream again

I usually just skip all this advertisement in youtube. But somehow got stumble upon and stuck on this one advertisement by SKII.

~Maybe as what i am now, a mother, i have left my dreams as a child unattended. But, i refuse to let it go. I WILL TRAVEL THE WORLD. This is my promise to myself, now, then, forever.

:)

abnormal

Aku tertanya-tanya, macam manalah artis-artis tu maintain their slim and muscular figure.. they set the standard too high.

Ke diaorang ni tak normal?

#carialasantaksempatworkoutdah2hari
#scklmisarountthecorner
#dielooooooorhh

lost

It's not that i hate people..
It's just i often find myself lost in a crowd
People seems to speak in a language that i cannot comprehend
Quite often i draw myself away
...far away that i lost my way back

Hold me, love
Don't let me go
I may be in distance
But i never meant to be further from you
I just so wrapped up in my own bubble
...and the world became so alien to me

bila terantuk baru nak tengadah

kalau rasa nak jerit tu.. istigfar banyak-banyak kali.
jangan putus doa kat Tuhan... moga dipermudahkan apa yang susah.
mesti khilaf tu datangnya daripada diri kita sendiri.

Journey to sanity #1

What have i done to myself😣😣😣...

Gonna be fasting today.. this is workout before sahur. Pray I'll be standing strong today. Pray I'll last until dawn for berbuka.

bila mana Dia sebenarnya sayang kita

tertarik kepada suatu ayat..

orang yang berdosa tidaklah sampai jatuh kepada taraf kafir.. kerana pintu taubat sentiasa terbuka..insyaAllah.

.

.

:)

Sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit

Mak pesan, setiap kali solat jangan lupa mohon dimasukkan ke syurga.

Betul jugak.. mana nak dapat kalau kita tak mintak kan (?)

Of parenthood

For me, having a child is like having the best MLM scheme ever. With proper guidance and teachings, they will be your ultimate investment dunya and akhirah.

Meeting needs (mengepam susu di bulan puasa)

For those who are weak at heart.. please skip this post. Don't say i didn't warn u.

This is my post on being as natural human mom can be. 

Memang ada kerisauan di bulan puasa akan kuantiti susu yang mampu dihasilkan badan. Tapi, aku syukur sangat-sangat sebab kali ni penyusuan anak dipermudahkan olehNya.

Secara purata, badan aku mampu hasilkan 12-16 oz susu untuk 2 kali pam di tempat kerja di bulan puasa...Alhamdulillah sangat. Aku bukan nak masuk pertandingan susu siapa paling banyak pun... sentiasa yakin rezeki Allah bagi untuk anak.. tak kisahlah banyak mana pun.

Yang penting... kena jadikan habit.. sebab konsepnya, "where there's a demand, there will be a supply". Oleh itu, walaupun berpuasa, aku gagahkan jugak mengepam susu.

InsyaAllah... oleh itu, wajiblah jaga makan. Antara amalan pemakanan yang boleh membantu (yang aku amalkan lah):

kurma, jus kurma, susu kambing MOMMA, ulam pegaga, oat, tempeh dan banyak air kosong.

contohnya, pagi masa bersahur, selain makan nasi aku akan ambil 2-3 gelas air kosong, 1 gelas jus kurma, 1 gelas susu kambing MOMMA. oh ye, sebelum makan nasi, aku pastikan akan ambil 2 kapsul pil habbatussauda.

masa berbuka, kurma 2-3 biji, 1 gelas jus kurma, nasi, kuih-muih, dan bergelas-gelas air kosong sampailah masa tidur.

Alhamdulillah, sepanjang dah nak masuk 2 minggu puasa ni, badan tak lah merengek mintak buka puasa. tahap lapar dan kepenatan tu terkawal. macam orang lain yang berpuasa.

hasil tuaian hari ni.. susu still pekat.. alhamdulillah

susu kambing perisa coklat kegemaran saya

buat ibu-ibu yang kat luar tu, jangan give up k. menyusukan anak adalah pengalaman yang sangat indah. worries takes you nowhere. just enjoy the journey. :)

p/s: sape-sape yang berminat nak try susu MOMMA, roger-roger lah saya.hee~

Legal fratenity

Dia 7-5-1992
Aku 20-5-2011

Dia patah berbicara
Aku pendengar yang setia

Dia punya nama di pintu
Aku hanya nama di atas kertas

Mendengarnya, buat aku terkasima
Mendengarnya, buat aku mahu menjadi dia

Kali pertama berperasaan begini

*senyum*

Rupanya, rasa mahu itu masih ada

if this is how older and wiser sounds like
i couldn't wait.

Syurga nan jauh

Cerita cinta kita.. tidaklah sehebat laila dan majnun.
Cerita cinta kita.. bermula selepas aku terima nikahnya.
Cerita cinta kita.. berpaksikan atas rasa redha.
Kau redha akan aku. Aku redha akan kamu.
Warna warni..yang hanya jelas di mata kita.
Semoga Tuhan kurniakan syurga terindah buatmu, sang suami.
semoga Tuhan kasihankan aku, dan letakkan aku disebelahmu.

change

you can change your name
but you cant change your story

you can change your future
but your past remain

you can change your dress
but you cant change the size

you can change the ring
but the hand is still the same

working on progress

When you ask me how to make love lasts
i say.. it won't.

because, it really won't.
there.. i said it twice.

love equals to hardwork. no short cut. you have to spend your time, efford, energy.
just like the end-year bonus, say you really working hard, still there is no guarantee that you will get it.

but, eventually you will earn a good deal out of it..somehow or rather in whatever forms or manner.. if you really do it sincerely. InsyaAllah.

Cupcake mission

Yeayy!! Finally berjaya membuat cupcake setelah 2 kali percubaan yang gagal.

Ok...yang ni mungkin rupa tiada, tapi rasanya sedapppp!!

So, here it is...presenting my vanilla cupcake with buttercream and choc chip toppings.. 😉😉😉

So, one challenge is completed. Aiyoo..banyak lagi challenge lain need to be done and now its already half the year!! 

Braveheart

Oh my. I don't know whether my decision is stupido or a decision an optimist would make.

Here's the news, i've registered myself for SCKL Half Marathon this coming August.

The thing is, i actually shouldn't do any heavy exercise in six months due to my c-sec last February. Is running a marathon considered as heavy exercise? i'm not so sure my self. i didn't even do light jogging anymore. But i'm being positive about it.

But running alone??? What am i thinking????

#$&^^(*)(&&^$$@#^(__(%$!!!

Count your blessing

My life is far from perfect. But i learn to be thankful to God for everything, be it a good or bad things. Because we human always crave for more... sometimes too much than we can endure. Little that we know we deserved whatever that is given by the Almighty.

So, have no worries. The elders have survived this life...so do we.

Lets celebrate us being human. Stop worrying.

Bila kau tahu tanpa aku bagitahu

Terima kasih sebab selalu teman aku borak benda-benda tak penting semasa aku hadapi benda-benda penting.

#sebabakutakdapatmasukhutankaujadimangsa
#ineedtoworkouttodestress
#pantangpunyahal

Solo molo

Kadang-kadang aku rasa orang lupa
Yang seorang wanita yang sudah berkeluarga juga punya rasa untuk bersahabat
Lagi-lagi bila majoriti temannya daripada golongan yang masih solo

Tak layakkah wanita berkeluarga punya sahabat lagi?



#not complaining just a pound to ponder

Bila yang muda tetap akan tua

sepanjang 30tahun ni.... aku tak pernah jadi anak yang baik
Mungkin takkan pernah jadi anak yang baik seumur hidup ini
Jadi aku tak tahu macam mana mahu jadi anak yang baik
Tapi.. aku sentiasa belajar dan cuba menjadi sebaik yang aku mungkin
Dalam hati-hati, terkadang aku tetap kecilkan hati orang tuaku tanpa sedar

Bila rasa salah menyelubungi, mahu saja aku putarkan masa
Tapi masa sentiasa dan terus maju ke depan
Maka jadilah aku dikalangan orang-orang yang rugi
Kerugian kasih sayang orang tuanya
Kuranglah keberkatan hidup aku di masa itu

Aku tak sempurna
Orang tua kita juga tak sempurna

Semoga Tuhan melindungi kita dan orang tua kita.

Perkara rawak di tengah malam #2

Anugerah terindah yang Tuhan berikan kepadaku... adalah keluargaku.
Aku belajar tentang diri sendiri melalui mereka-mereka ini.
Sungguhpun ini semua hanyalah pinjaman daripadamu Tuhan

Terima kasih
Terima kasih
Terima kasih

Untuk segala yang manis
Untuk segala yang pahit
Untuk segala yang masam
Untuk segala yang masin

Saat ini, menulis tatkala semua dah tidur sangat indah
Setiap raut suami dan anak-anak menjadi penguat dan pengubat hati
Mungkin perasaan inilah yang paling dibenci syaitan
Perasaan bersyukur.

Perkara rawak di tengah malam

Kadang-kadang perkara yang paling palat tu lah hadiah paling berharga daripada seorang Pencipta kepada hambaNya.

Kadang-kadang kita tak sedar

Kadang-kadang kita lupa

Kadang-kadang kita in denial

Kadang-kadang kita usaha cari alasan

Pokok pangkalnya diri sendiri...

Kalau aku lupa, pohon ingatkan ya.

Hero

Sebenarnya.... i really have no idea how to raise you. All my life i've been surrounded by a strong women. No particular man in my life until i met your father.

Please teach me to be a good and sound mother to you. I pray every day that you will turn out and grow up to be the best man anyone could have you as her imam. I do hope i can raise you the best possible manner so that you will inherit the best part of me and your father and you'll forever protect our small family.

I will love you, for better or worse.

Grow up my hero..

14 tahun dulu

mestilah aku ingat.. di saat jiwa remaja menggelegak subur
ilham-ilham terbit..

Sesetengah kata...aku cliche.. konon nak relate life experience dgn movie
but i dont see it that way

Some movies really save thinking style
some movies saves my life
some movies became my escape from reality
some movies moves me

Kadang-kadang wayang di kaca tv lebih menarik daripada wayang realiti

.....

.....

14 years for a comeback.
i'll be waiting for Rangga to grow up and face his reality for so long

of course..... thanks for reminding me.

Mengaji

Isteri : Abang cuba periksa, ibu ada tak kat atas. Entah dah bangun ke belum. Dah nak dekat pukul 7pagi ni.

Suami : Ok. (Naik tangga)

Suami : Ibu takda kat atas.

Isteri : ok.. ayang kejut ibu.

Isteri : Sebenarnya, pagi tadi dlm pukul 4 ayang terjaga...

Suami : ....

Isteri : Masa nak susukan si kecik, ayang dengar suara perempuan mengaji. Ingat ibu.

Suami : tak, ibu cakap takda dia bangun pagi tadi.

Suami : haaa..... suara siapa tu....

Isteri : Hmm.. ok lah dia ngaji.. jangan mengilai sudah.

-.-

A dream

Aku punya impian. Untuk miliki keluarga impian... at least 4-5 orang anak.. meriahnya keluarga. Byknya pahala boleh aku kumpul. Mahu lahirkan ramai bakal-bakal imam..tak kurang juga puteri-puteri yang menyenangkan hati ibu dan ayahnya..

Namun, mungkin tiada rezeki.

#welcome to the world Aqil Aiman bin Khairul Najib. Now, u've completed our fantastic4.😚

Hidup vs weight loss journey

hidup ni ibarat weight loss journey

mula-mula kau bajet dengan telan ubat kurus segala tu, kau akan segera kurus dan gojes macam Taylor Swift..
hakikatnya, tak sampai habis pun satu botol ubat tu kau telan kau give up
konon ubat tu takde kesan.. padahal ko tak fikir ko melantak macam harimau kebuluran tetiap hari..
which of course defeat the purpose to get slim and slender even ko dah telan 14botol ubat sekalipun..

kemudian kau tengok semuaorang masuk gym
ko pun turut subscribe membership..
sudahnya bila dah expired, kau salahkan pulak harga yang mahal dan konon-konon kena tipu untuk masuk membership
padahal, kau sendiri tahu yang kau bayar lepas dipujuk abang sado dan kakak taff.. terpukau dek kekemasan badan diorang.
tapi, kau sendiri lagi prefer goyang kaki kat sofa, sambil tengok movie dan makan popcorn
daripada bebusuk-busuk dan berpeluh-peluh di gym
sesekali pergi gym pun hanya untuk cuci mata

Sampai sini je.. aku dah xde mood nak buat penutup..

Sebab aku rasa orang tau apa aku nak sampaikan..

Manusia ni cepat sangat mengalah. Tak semua. Tapi ramai jugaklah..

Semoga kita sentiasa bermuhasabah dgn setiap tindak tanduk kita ye.

rebel at its purest form

i still remember.. these one test result on my character...

i am not such a follower. i am a person who do things my own way. and if you want to teach me how to do my things, i will definitely be a rebel.

so people, i may not be born to pleased you. you give me mission, i will try to complete it in my own way.

if i fall or stumble along the road, it is my lesson. with all the lesson and experience, i am hoping to be the best of me.

i don't need to have another master in my mind, as it is already crowded in there.

so, please bear with me. the great wall of China doesn't built in one day. give me chance to create my own story.

Anak

Anak..
seribu satu nikmat..seribu satu hikmat.

Dikurniakan untuk menguji.. dilahirkan untuk menyuci.

Anak..
Jika kau tahu betapa besarnya jasamu kepada orang tuamu..
Betapa kau yang sebenarnya guru kami..
Betapa kau yang sebenarnya membesarkan kami..

Anak..
Terima kasih.

10 aims for 2016

Moving on to 2016. My aims towards this year would be:-

1. to save RMX amount in my tabung cap ayam;
2. to buy tix to either Japan, China or New Zealand for 2017 family geataway;
3. to go to Perlis during mango season;
4. to read 3 leadership books;
5. to read 12 other than leadership books;
6. to run in half-marathon;
7. to run 150km over a year;
8. to learn how to bake;
9. to learn at least 2 types of solat sunat;
10. to eat healthy, exercise, get fit and aim for under 50kg's.

*at first, i was hesitated to list down these 10 things, but then aims are much more clear when we write it down and see it. the list is not in priority sequence, all are equally important to me.

*looking forward for a better year ahead!