buat baik

buat baik

daripada rasa awkward 

sampai kau rasa its a self reward

buat baik

ada hari you really need that kindness

ada hari you long for human touch

cause you know that you don't know how to interact with them

and you feel anxiety when talk to other people

too many voices in your head

and you cant think straight

you cant walk straight

and most of your words are bitter and grey

and you know you never intended so

it just have been that way for too long

you didn't even remember when all these starts

buat baik

as your religion told you so

as it was a necessity to live and breath

until it becomes your basic instinct

just like that little voice who ask your lips to seal shut 

every time you talk more than a sentence

buat baik

until those shyness go away

it becomes lesser and lesser awkward for every good deed i promise you

for most, those good deed is for the needy

but in your case, 

you are indeed the needy.

 

Hello 2021 (it's ok)

 21st June 2021, 

i found you again. a corner of myself. life is up and down. i am still living with my beloved husband and two child. i have had one miscarriage and one forced abortion.  Last year i had a bells palsy. This year i had a cyst. Both were gone now at the time i'm writing you this. For good, i hope.

i have left my job of almost 10 years. i don't have much savings. the best decision i have made so far behind all these mess. for the first time in my life, i am able to choose for myself. for better or worse.

the depression i thought gone, have never went away. often i found myself looking through the window with empty feelings. most of the time, i feel lost. i guess, things happen to me is for a reason. i don't know what is the reason. but i try to deal with it, in my own way. i survive, till this date. i put my trust in His plan. i always reason with myself, "that is ok". 

oh yes, we are living in pandermic now. Malaysia has been living with the so called "lockdown" on and off since 18th March 2020. the world has changed. nothing is the same since.

p/s: those '2020 VISION' that we had during our school days is just a dream.