when the sky is no longer blue

i remember the times when i used violence to express my feelings literally ... violent i ended up getting more hurt. .. the earliest that i can remember is when i literally wrestle with my a boy in my class for i detest he keep on name-calling my father. We both ended up in a teacher's room where the boy get whipped and i get a warning. Out from the teacher's room, i cried alone in the girls toilet for so long i ended up getting called by teacher again...for another lecture. up until today, i still don't know which hurts me more.. the act that Megat name-calling my father, or the fact that i never really knew who is my father, or the embarrassment being called to the teacher's room for the first time. but, i'm pretty sure that all the punch and kick from Megat is nothing. .. growing up, i used to be left alone at home during weekdays. My sister both have gone to their campus. Whenever i am feeling stress, i kinda cut myself and see myself bleed just to feel alive. and whenever there is a heavy rain, i just stare to the downpour and say out loud whatever my feeling is. i feel like the whole world is against me. .. in dating years, i will literally punch my partner if they ever hurt me emotionally. i will cry and scream like a mad woman on loose. .. for years i believe that i have a psychiatric issue. i wanted to be treated. but i don't know how. .. am i cured from it? i still have no idea. but now i learn to manage my stress. i turn to Him whenever i'm feeling my lowest low. it is true when people say, if you really wants to take care your relationship with the world, take care your relationship with Him first. Stress is everywhere, but with Him, i felt taken care of. Even during the worst hour. He, provides me hope and serenity. love may have an expiry date. friendships may be betrayed. families may be broken. but the love of God, will keep you sane..forever.